Boys on the Brain.

Hello everyone,

Boys. For the past few days I've been dealing with a lot of boy related shit, and I didn't really want to write a blog post about it but I feel like it'll probably help me with my current state of mind, so sorry but welcome to my brain! Also Adele is playing in the background and there's a cup of tea with my name on it so brace yourself for the chattiest post I'll probably ever write.

First of all lets talk about my ex. Now this guy is always in my head, either living in the front or sneakily hiding at the back, and that's something I know I'll have to live with. I met him when I was 16, coming up to 4 years ago, when I started my job and my first impressions weren't really amazing as I thought he was a little bit of a dick but he had a mysterious vibe about him and I find that hot as hell so I was instantly attracted to him..also his eyes helped with my overwhelming attraction for him, they're pretty much dark pools of beauty. Fast forward 3 years and we got talking at a works Christmas party then skip past a dangerous amount of vodka and sambuca and before I knew it I was laying on my sofa being sick everywhere and my mum saying I might have to be hospitalised for drinking to much..stupid move! The next day he messaged me, much to my surprise, and we started talking from there but it wasn't until the following week that I found out we shared a few drunken kisses. I was literally the last person to know, seeing as I didn't and still don't have any memory of that night. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing each other, then got into a short but sweet relationship, I was so confused by the whole thing because how could he, the mysterious, gorgeous guy who was a tiny bit obsessed with cars, like me? I wasn't really myself towards the end of our little romance because I felt as if the whole thing was a ticking time bomb, just waiting until he realised how stupid he was to like me, or until he found someone a million times better. We ended on a bit of an argument but we've later had a few conversations and everything is now peachy between the both us, but I miss him..a lot. I don't know whether he's gained his way to the front of my brain because I was attempting to help with a friends boy business, shockingly she trusts me enough to share things..never saw that coming as I walk around like a grade a bitch all the time and if she's reading this then hello! 

Anyway back to this guy, as I was saying he's currently right in the front of my brain, any further forward and he'd be coming through my skull and out my face. A part of me wishes that I never developed feelings for him, but an even bigger part of me wishes we never had a 'thing' as now I'm just left feeling sad that we never worked but also more curious to if we tried again because I know I'm different now and things would be better. But in the grand scheme of things I'm so glad I got to know him on more of a personal level while we was together because he was the guy I knew I always wanted just never expected it to actually happen because he could get any slim, stupidly pretty girl he'd like but he chose me..far from society's thought of beauty. If he was reading this, which I can assure you he isn't, then I'd want to tell him thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance and also helping me a lot with getting over my confidence issues, without me knowing you helped me change for the better as I wanted to make myself a better human to try and get a second chance with you..but sadly I don't think that will happen. Also you are the one guy I literally can't go a day without having a little thought about, as sad as that sounds but it's true. 

Now for my next little issue. I've been seeing this guy recently and I thought it was all going well between us but I'm now doubting everything! For the past couple of days a friend and myself have been playing around on Tinder, probably not a smart move but strangely it's helped me to connect to people I used to talk to in school by matching up with each other..and before I sound like an awful human it's literally general chit chat, I'm not trying to play games or see other options as I had this guy in my life. So after a lot of swipes to the left and this said guy's profile pops up, I didn't think anything of it and swiped right without thinking. A few hours later and I had a notification saying I had a new match..from him. I instantly told my friend and she started putting ideas in my brain, like why is he still using the app when he has already told me he wants us to turn into a relationship but I couldn't get angry about that because he didn't know the reason I was on it. The thing that really pissed me off is when I realised he hadn't replied to my messages that I had sent him, only read them, but he's happily spending time floating around on some shitty app, to make matters worse my friend then messaged him to see if his story added up to mine..he replied instantly. After a few messages to my friend, and her mentioning my name my phone then buzzed with a message from him, I had got 1 message in 2 days. I shouldn't be complaining because at least he messaged me but it was just that one text while he still replied to my friend, and today there is absolutely no sign of him, it's just really confusing and I'm now thinking everything he told me was to just get sex, which sadly wouldn't be the first time that had happened to me as last year, after the first guy I spoke about ended the relationship, consisted of being a fragile, semi-heartbroken puppy with guys just playing me. 

But now I'm in the situation where I refuse to message him because recently it's only me been putting in the effort and messaging first, now I know that sounds pretty silly, but I'm the type of girl that likes the guy to put in an equal amount of effort and commitment as I do but I just feel as if I'm not getting that anymore. He used to message me in every spare moment he had, and now it's as if I'm just an effort to see how I am and I can't be dealing with anymore bullshit from guys. 

After all of this thinking about these two guys I should be sad but I'm not, I feel nothing. There's nothing worse to me than feeling empty. So I'll leave this post on two messages to these guys, who won't read this but it's something I need to get off my chest, and sorry to anyone who read all of this, I just needed a way to say what's going on and I thought this would be an appropriate place without making a fool of myself. 

To my ex - I miss you, always have since the day you left me and honestly I probably always will. I thought meeting new guys would make me forget but it never, it just made me lose respect for myself and appreciate how caring you was towards me, I know now that I just need time and apparently lots of it, because a year later and I still love the idea of being yours again. It was always the little things with you like a message to see how I was doing, or stroking my thumb while we was holding hands. Whenever I catch a glimpse of you now I instantly get a smile on my face even though I no longer have the privilege to call you mine, but I wish you all the happiness in the world because lord knows you deserve it.

To the guy who is potentially playing me - You seem like the sweetest guy and I would never have you down as being a player, but as I always say it's always the quiet ones you have to watch, I trusted you with everything I had but now that seems to have faded, I don't know what will be of us as I'm leaving the ball in your court. But, if it turns out that you played me, well then, fuck you. 

Until next time,

Shannon.

xxx